Life Goes On
by peacejaw
Summary: Rachels reaction to Mark's death -updated. Please R & R! Thanks!
1. Life Goes On

**TITLE:** Life Goes On

**AUTHOR:** Dreamcatcher

**EMAIL:** peacejaw@yahoo.com

**RATING:** PG

**SPOILERS:** The series itself

**ARCHIVE:** Fanfiction.net Only!

**DISCLAIMER:** ER and its characters are copyright Warner Bros. Entertainment, Amblin Television, and Michael Crichton. No infringement is intended. This original piece of fan fiction is being written for entertainment purposes only, and I am gaining no monetary compensation for it.

This is a work of fiction. All characters and places discussed are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, or actual places and locations, is purely coincidental.

**SUMMARY:** Rachel's adjustment to Mark's death

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*******

I know that I caused my parents a lot of pain, tension, and aggravation. I also know that I caused Ella to O.D.; even if it wasn't on purpose. Yet life must go on.

Mom is taking me back to Saint Louis soon. I really don't want to leave Chicago. Surprisingly enough, I've come to look at Chicago as being my home… and no matter what, it will always be. Besides, daddy is buried here.

It's so hard to believe that daddy's gone. He knew that he was dying, but he took what time he had left and spent it with me trying to reach me. I almost waited too long to let him know that he did… and that I was grateful for him to try.

My life really sucks right now, but I know that I am not alone in that area. Elizabeth is having a hard time with daddy's cancer and now his death. I've heard her crying when she thought no one heard. I want to talk –to really talk- with Elizabeth, but I don't know if I can… much less I'm not sure how. I've wanted to talk with her for awhile, but the time hasn't been right.

Then there's Ella. Poor Ella. After all that I put her through, she's not going to really know daddy… not really anyway. She won't have any memories of him either. I think I know how to help make it up to her… even though it won't be the same. I aim to teach her everything that daddy taught me –especially about daddy and his family… the family history. It would be a lot easier if I could do that living in Chicago, but I know that I'm supposed to go back to living with mom. That doesn't mean I have to like it.

School's out for the summer… at least it is for me. Daddy had arranged for me to take my finals early so that we could spend our time together. The school understood the circumstances and made the arrangements quickly. The surprising fact is, though, I made decent grades this school year, despite the rocky circumstances.

It's a good thing, too, because I don't think I could handle going back to school right now. It would have been too easy to fall into the crowd that I hung around with before daddy's death. When daddy died, I promised him that I would get my life together… and I intend on doing just that. Hanging out with the old crowd would mean breaking my promise… and I cannot… no, I will not break that promise.

This summer is my transition period. I won't do drugs, drink alcohol, or smoke anymore. That is going to be a tough thing to do –especially now that I know exactly where and how to get the products. Mom told me that once we get back to Saint Louis, I have to go a counselor. What a bummer, but I don't blame her I guess. Mom knows that I will fight her every step of the way on it, but I am willing to give it a try… though mom doesn't need to know that yet.  I am hoping, though, that I will get a good shrink because I need someone to talk to since I can't talk to mom… and I won't talk to Elizabeth right now. She has too much on her plate to deal with my problems right now.

If things go well, I'll see about spending more time with Elizabeth and Ella before school starts in the fall. I want to earn Elizabeth's trust and forgiveness. I think the process was started when Elizabeth came home and let me watch Ella while she tended to daddy, but at the same time she had no choice. Now she does… and I want to earn the trust. I do know that she is still understandably very angry with me… but I think Elizabeth is working on the issues.

At least she is trying and I admire her for that. I'm writing her a long letter telling her what I need to. I know it's not the same as telling her face-to-face, but at least it will get the job done… and she can read it when she wants to… and not have to worry about over reacting or something like that. 

I've never done something like this before, so it's hard for me to do so. Yet I know that Elizabeth will read the letter… and given enough time, she will be willing to let me work on earning her trust and forgiveness.

In the meantime, though, I have to put my life together. I have something to prove, even if it's only to myself. There's a need in me to prove that I can make it…that I can make a positive difference in someone's life… as well as keep a promise to a wonderful father.

I know that I have to start with my own life and go from there.

I know that my daddy is dead…

I know that he will not be forgotten…

I know that daddy gave me the gift of life…

But he also gave me a new lease in life…

And life goes on…

And so must I!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

**TITLE:** A New Life

**AUTHOR:** Dreamcatcher

**EMAIL:** peacejaw@yahoo.com

**RATING:** PG

**SPOILERS:** The series itself

**ARCHIVE:** Fanfiction.net Only!

**DISCLAIMER:** ER and its characters are copyright Warner Bros. Entertainment, Amblin Television, and Michael Crichton. No infringement is intended. This original piece of fan fiction is being written for entertainment purposes only, and I am gaining no monetary compensation for it.

This is a work of fiction. All characters and places discussed are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, or actual places and locations, is purely coincidental.

**SUMMARY:** Rachel's adjustment to Mark's death; Part 2

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It's been two long months since daddy died and I can't take it anymore! I can barely hold my life together… and it's getting worse. It's taking its toll on mom and I both. If I don't do something different soon, it's going to be too late!

It's gotten to the point where I've had to ask to move back in with Elizabeth and Ella. Of course mom isn't thrilled with the idea, but I think she understands my reasoning behind it. Elizabeth wasn't too keen on the idea either, but she's being more understanding than what my own mother is… and has agreed to let me live with her.

It's no surprise, though, that there are some ground rules and conditions… like no drugs, no alcohol, no smoking, and limited privileges. I have to earn all of my privileges, such as phone and computer usage.  What is a surprise, though, is that Elizabeth will keep tabs on my privileges… though I guess it shouldn't be.

I also have to attend counseling and a group therapy thing twice a week. As much as I don't want to, I did agree to attend both. It doesn't mean that I will be a willing participant in either. I have yet to find a counselor that I can trust… or more to the point… willing to trust.

I guess that's partly due to the fact that I've got a lot to say, but no one that I am willing to trust with what I have to say.  I do know that for the first time in a long time I felt safe… I was feeling so safe with daddy and Elizabeth. Then I got so scared… which turned into anger so easily. I guess that's one good thing about the counseling I've already had –being able to control my anger more often.

This weekend is my move in time at Elizabeth's. There is no other time for it. School starts soon and we have to get into a routine before it does. What's surprising about that, though, is that she is allowing me to watch Ella from 5-7 in the evenings. She didn't have to, but she is. 

I just found out that Elizabeth is pregnant again. I think that is partly why she is testing me some now and not later… and demanding that I help out around the house. She's also demanding that I take responsibility for my life, my actions, choices and mistakes, which I have and I am working on. It's a touch and go type thing, but that's okay.

I think Elizabeth ended up being pregnant right about the time Ella O.D… which makes that about five months ago… or there about. I still don't know what to think about it, but I think I'm actually happy for Elizabeth. She needs to be distracted from all the grief and pain she's going through.  That doesn't make it any easier for me, though. I just hope that things will work out. I guess that's one thing about life … it's that we don't know how things will work out. 

At least I am keeping my promise to daddy. I am working to get my life together. It's not easy, especially since I've had to give up a lot of my life… and move back in with mom. Then there's the ugly creep that she's married to. I can handle that mom remarried… like dad did… but the guy that she married is a complete jerk. I don't know how mom doesn't see it… at least not really see it. He is very threatening, especially when he drinks.

At any rate, I've been given another chance. I don't know who to thank for that… fate? God? Chance? Who knows. At any rate, thank you!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

**TITLE:** A New Addition

**AUTHOR:** Dreamcatcher

**EMAIL:** peacejaw@yahoo.com

**RATING:** PG

**SPOILERS:** The series itself

**ARCHIVE:** Fanfiction.net Only!

**DISCLAIMER:** ER and its characters are copyright Warner Bros. Entertainment, Amblin Television, and Michael Crichton. No infringement is intended. This original piece of fan fiction is being written for entertainment purposes only, and I am gaining no monetary compensation for it.

This is a work of fiction. All characters and places discussed are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, or actual places and locations, is purely coincidental.

**SUMMARY:** Rachel's adjustment to Mark's death –Part 3

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It's kind of hard to believe that it's Thanksgiving already. Most of the time has gone by rather quickly, despite some hardships along the way. God, it's only been six months since daddy died… and only four since I moved in with Elizabeth. The pain and grief from daddy's death is still so raw and quite frankly, painful. Still, the world has moved on and there aren't that many people that know how bad I hurt.

I think Elizabeth has some idea, but she has been too distracted with her own grief and life to really work with me in dealing with it. Plus her hormones really have made her life… and mine… a living nightmare at times. Still, I sense she actually wants to. Maybe down the road we can work on our grief and pain, but not right now.

Mom asks how I am doing, but I know she doesn't really want to know… except to find out whether I have been in any more trouble or not. Thankfully I have not been, except for a few minor things –like grades, phone and computer usage. At school I pretty much have quit hanging around with the deadbeats that have access to drugs and alcohol. However, most of the other kids don't want to hang around with me. Maybe in time they will.

Not that it matters, but mom's jackass for a husband doesn't bother to acknowledge me what so ever… not that I really acknowledge him. He truly is a jerk. I can't believe mom is still with the asshole. I mean, come on… he drinks, he's verbally and physically abusive with mom and I both (when I am with them at all)… and it gets worse when he drinks. It gets so bad that I won't stay over night with either of them… and they have to visit Chicago because I will not visit St. Louis.

Living with Elizabeth these last four months hasn't been easy, although it's a lot better than living with mom and her husband. I know living with Elizabeth has been one of the best choices I've ever made… and I am almost certain that mom knows that as well. She's given Elizabeth complete guardianship over me… and I am so glad. The only thing mom wants is to have visitation rights with me. Elizabeth has agreed to it… only requesting child support and that they visited with us instead of the other way around. And that's how I ended up here on a permanent basis… one that I'm pretty happy with.

At least I am working to keep my promise to daddy. Mind you it hasn't been easy, but at least I am making the effort. I think he would be proud of me if he were still here. At night when I say my prayers, I always send an extra note to daddy telling him that I love him and to watch over our family… plus I tell him all my secrets.

There are plenty of those… secrets that is. I've made some progress in that department. I've been opening up more in the therapy sessions that I still go to. Elizabeth found me a great therapist and a great support group for me to attend each week. At first I didn't make things easy for anyone, especially the therapist… but she hung in there and last month we made a small connection with each other. Because of that, I have been able to start opening up with her… which has allowed me to express all of my emotions, not just the anger. The anger is still a problem, but nothing like it was. Elizabeth and the therapist both have been able to start to identify the different types of anger in me… like the sad anger, the frustrated anger, or the plain old anger… which is a good thing. Maybe one of these days I can start to really open up with Elizabeth. That's my one big hope with all this.

The new baby wasn't due for another week, but it decided that it wanted to be born today –Thanksgiving Day. Elizabeth went into labor late this morning and we immediately left for the hospital. Since then, Ella and I have been waiting in the waiting room for the new addition to our lives.  It hasn't been easy to keep Ella under control, but she's been fairly good all things considered.

Thankfully we had our thanksgiving dinner last night so that I could spend some time with mom tonight. When Elizabeth went into labor, I called mom and told her that I wouldn't be available to spend time with her because someone had to watch Ella… and since mom's husband doesn't like young children, it wouldn't work out. Mom understood, but she has ended up waiting with Ella and I here in the waiting room. 

Dr. Lewis and Dr. Carter are both up here as well… and I suspect that Susan will stay the longest. She has been one of my good friends –one of the only true friends that I have. I know she's become good friends with Elizabeth as well. I suspect that when Elizabeth and the new baby go home, Susan will be around a lot helping out. That's a good thing. 

Thankfully school and Ella's daycare isn't too far away from our house… which means I can walk to and from school and pick up Ella with ease.  Usually I only pick Ella up from daycare on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but I suspect that it may pick up over the next week or two… that is until Elizabeth and the new baby can fall into a new routine. We'll have to see, though.

Ella has now fallen asleep in my lap. I'm not surprised… she missed her afternoon nap. She was too excited to sleep. That's okay… she should sleep through the night now… which will make things a little easier for me. I want to get up and pace, but I can't with Ella on my lap.

After checking the clock one last time, Elizabeth's nurse finally walked through the door with a smile on her face. That means that the new baby has arrived… so our little group gathers up our possessions and follow the nurse to where Elizabeth and the new baby are.

One look at the little tike and I can see where he gets his good looks. He looks like daddy. Elizabeth asked if I had a special name that I want to give the baby. Me? Give the baby a name? There's only one I want: Mark Eli Greene. Elizabeth seems to like it… she says it suits him just fine. 

Elizabeth lets me hold Mark… and he is so cute! It's hard to believe these babies can be so small when they are born. This one is just perfect! I already feel a deep love and protection for this little one… like I am with Ella. I look at Elizabeth to see what she is doing and she is smiling at me. I think she is starting to see me in a new light. 

After awhile, Elizabeth asks Susan to take Ella and I home so that Ella can be put to bed… and she agrees. We say our goodbyes and head out the door and mom and John go their separate ways. I know Elizabeth and Mark will be home on Saturday morning, so that gives me time to plan a little something for them… kind of as a welcome home thing. It will have to be small though… and Susan will be there because Susan will bring them home.  I suspect having Susan around helping out is going to be a blessing!

At any rate, all our lives have changed once again… and I think that I can actually begin to really hope… hope that we will be okay… hope that I can finish putting my life together… hope that I actually have a future worth living… and hope that we can be a family. Thank God I have one to belong to! I don't think I could make it otherwise!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

**TITLE:** Which way is out?

**AUTHOR:** Dreamcatcher

**EMAIL:** peacejaw@yahoo.com

**RATING:** PG

**SPOILERS:** The series itself

**ARCHIVE:** Fanfiction.net Only!

**DISCLAIMER:** ER and its characters are copyright Warner Bros. Entertainment, Amblin Television, and Michael Crichton. No infringement is intended. This original piece of fan fiction is being written for entertainment purposes only, and I am gaining no monetary compensation for it.

This is a work of fiction. All characters and places discussed are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, or actual places and locations, is purely coincidental.

**SUMMARY:** Rachel's adjustment to Mark's death, plus some. –Part 4

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Could life get any worse? I never thought that it could, but it has… and things have gotten complicated.  It shouldn't be a surprise to me, though. After all, I am Rachel Greene… and Rachel Greene has never had an easy life! I just wish that life would settle down for a while so that I can finish putting my life together.

To begin with, Elizabeth –I can call her Lizzy now- has fallen into a deep depression. It's understandable, but it's gotten to a point where she refuses to get out of bed at all. She won't eat anything either. Because of that, Mark is being bottle-fed and Suzan has been helping out where she can… especially when I'm in school.

After Mark was born, Lizzy kept a half way decent schedule while I was in school –despite her deep depression. But now that it's winter vacation, she has gotten worse… which leaves me handling both Mark and Ella the majority of the time as well as the house chores.  Ella still goes to daycare –except on the holidays and weekends… and I'll have to watch her on Christmas Eve Day, Christmas Day, New Years Eve Day, and New Years Day. Not that I mind… but it does double the workload. Thankfully Suzan does help some, but it's not the same as me helping out when I can.

I didn't mind at first because it meant that I could spend some quality time with Mark and Ella. After a week, though, it's getting difficult to handle everything mostly on my own… especially the late night feedings. We are, however, finally getting onto a schedule. That's a blessing in itself… especially for Mark. If only Elizabeth would break through the staying in bed all the time. At least she used to cry… but now… I don't think she does… she isn't facing anything at all, which worries me.

At night when Mark and Ella are asleep, I go into Elizabeth's room and talk to her. Mostly it's during the time I know that she is awake, but I don't know if she is listening to what I say. I don't think that's the important thing right now… to me what is … is letting her hear the sound of my voice. Maybe that will bring her around.

I often tell her about our days, about Ella and Mark, about what they do, about our mail, and even some things about myself. I've told her how I've been dealing with facing daddy's cancer and his death, which hasn't been easy for me to do. When I run out of things to tell her, I just sit with her hoping that she knows that I'm here for her.

Sometimes, when I have worked up the courage, I even tell her some things in confidence… things like how I miss daddy, emotions, and even a couple of secrets –a few of which are of bad memories that I have. Mostly they are the ones I've already told the counselor or am about to… 

It wasn't how I wanted to start sharing my life with her, but my counselor wants me to open up with Elizabeth… so I am working on it. It's just a shame that I don't know if she is listening to me or not. At least I know now that I can start to tell her things that I wouldn't have before. 

Anyways, to top that off, mom and her jackass of a husband have been visiting me here in Chicago. They've been here since Christmas Eve… that was four days ago… and they are planning to stay here until New Years Day. I don't know how mommy got that much time off work… or why she would want to spend that much time with me. However we usually spend the mornings together so that they can tour the rest of Chicago on their own. Even though they are on vacation, they won't help out with Mark and Ella. I thought mom would be interested in helping out, but I guess not. She's almost got this look about her that is… well… I don't know, like she is pleased that Elizabeth isn't being the best mother that she can be. UGH!

Despite that, things have been semi okay between us. However, yesterday they left while they were in the middle of a huge argument. I had to kick them out because they were putting Ella and Mark in physical danger… and I refused to let it continue. So out they went. 

It's left me feeling very concerned for mom's safety. I mean, mom had already taken several slaps yesterday before they left… and now they haven't shown up today like they were supposed to. Mom hasn't called either. I may not have always been able to count on mom showing up as promised, but at least she would call to let me know.

I've called their hotel room, but no one has answered. That was when I called the hotel manager and he agreed to go check on them and call me back. Unfortunately that was two hours ago and I'm still waiting for a call back. I don't think that waiting this long is a good thing, but I don't think I have a choice in the matter. Thankfully Mark is keeping me busy… he's been rather fussy today. I think he's sensing that something is wrong.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Susan Lewis has gotten off work and has already arrived here to help out. I called her after I called the hotel manager… I didn't know what else to do. She's agreed to stay the night with us so that I don't have to face what's to come alone. I am so grateful for that! I'm also grateful that she has taken charge of Mark and Ella so that I can have some alone time.

I find it a bit surprising that Susan doesn't seem as concerned as what I am, but then again Susan isn't related to mom. I am. She's only now truly getting concerned with Elizabeth, but I guess she's had more success with Elizabeth than what I've had. I guess we'll have to wait and see though. At some point, though, we are going to have to do something about Elizabeth. 

In the mean time, I've tried calling the hotel manager again, but he was involved in an extensive meeting and would return my call within the hour. I asked if he could be interrupted –considering I thought this was an emergency- but the person I was talking to said no.

Talk about frustrating! I mean, come on!! My mother has gone missing and he is in a meeting??? It better be an important meeting because he is going to get an earful when I talk to him again!

I manage to take a shower before the manager calls back. He wants me to go to the hotel immediately with my guardian. I explained my situation, but he insisted that we go. After a few moments of arguing, I give in and told them we'd be there within the hour.

I immediately dressed and told Susan, who agreed that it was time to involve Elizabeth. She then put me in charge of Mark and Ella again and told me to get them ready to go. It's no easy chore, but I agreed anyways… knowing what she was going to have to deal with.

Susan then tackles getting Elizabeth ready to go. As I move around downstairs, I can hear them moving around upstairs… and thankfully I can hear Elizabeth coming around. She's even interacting with Suzan. That is a wonderful sign!

Just as I get Ella and Mark situated, Elizabeth and Suzan come down the stairs ready to leave. Despite losing some weight, Elizabeth looks good. A surprise came when Elizabeth started up a conversation with me… she asks me directly what is going on and stuff. I quickly fill her in on what's going on… and she wavers a bit as the news sinks in.

I think she is realizing what is lying ahead for us… and the probable consequences. I can see the fear racing through her eyes, which is send waves of panic through me. What could lie ahead that is scaring Elizabeth to death? If she is scared, things must really be bad.

Susan motions for us to leave, so we gather everything up and head out the door. Susan and I take the front seats of the car so that Elizabeth could give some much-needed attention to Ella and Mark. Of course I end up watching the trio the entire trip to the hospital and wishing I had a mother that would do that for me.

When we arrive at the hospital entrance, one of the first things we notice is the fact that there cops that are around. That's really not a good sign. I mean, if there are cops around… then something has happened here and probably to mom. To top that off, the probability that the jackass of a husband is at fault is fairly high. How do I know? I've seen it enough times at County Genera and at home.

We were immediately greeted by a cop and ushered into a conference room where the manager and two cops were waiting for us.  The two cops –one a man, one a woman- were both wearing very serious faces… something that adds to my growing suspicion. 

Susan is allowed into the room with us… at the insistence of Elizabeth and I both. I think Elizabeth and I knew that we were going to need all the help and support that we could get at this point. Because Mark and Ella are so young, they are allowed in the room with us. Lizzy is holding Ella –mainly because Ella wouldn't have it any other way. I insisted on holding Mark, which Susan doesn't seem to mind.

The manager immediately took control of the conversation and asked several questions about our family. After about ten minutes of questions, I insisted he explain what happened after I had called… and finally he does tell us. 

That's when I got the news that I had been dreading all along: my mother is dead. To make matters worse, it was the hands of my stepfather killed her. The panic is starting to over flow, but I manage to ask about my stepfather… where was he in all this mayhem? The look that the hotel manager gave me will haunt me until the day I die.  My stepfather took the easiest way out: He shot himself in the head before hotel security could get to him.

The bastard! He has left me an orphan and has the gall to kill himself before I could confront him.  How the hell could he do that to me? I needed the chance to confront him… if nothing else to tell him off! Besides, he needed to be punished by the law. He took the coward's way out!

My life is never going to be the same! God I need a drink! And I need it now! I know that mom hasn't been a good mother, especially in the last several years, but she has always been my mother… and in my opinion, always will be. How could the asshole take that away from me? What the hell am I going to do now?

Nothing could have prepared me for what was to come next. The woman officer dropped the bombshell: I was going to be assigned a social worker until my guardianship could be finalized in court. Elizabeth told them about the guardianship that was already in place, but they wouldn't budge on the issue. Shit! With Elizabeth's deep depression lately, would I be moved out of her home? Would she force me out because I am not of her flesh and blood? God, it's bad enough that both of my parents are dead, but the possibility of me leaving the safe home that I've come to consider as my home –and have for quite some time- is even worse. Where the hell would I go? Probably a foster home because neither mom nor dad had any other family that I know of… except for Elizabeth, Mark, and Ella.

This cannot be a good sign… especially with our family history… I think what's worse is my history with Elizabeth and Ella –and Ella's overdose. I'd hope that the courts would consider how good things have been the last several months. With all the changes my family has gone through during all this time, though, who's going to believe that I'm living in a stable home? And who's going to believe that I'm turning my life around?

I am tuning out what the officer is saying and look at Elizabeth for some comfort. Fear is written all over her… a deep fear that I have never seen before.  Is she thinking the same thing I am? Has she come to consider me family and is worried about losing me? What if she is thinking about kicking me out?

God I feel like I'm losing control! I feel as though I'm falling into a deep, black hole with no way out. It's so damn dark that I cannot see my hand in front of my face… so how can I find my way out? I know I need to because I'm sensing that danger is near… the trouble is I cannot find my way out. Which way is out? Someone, please help me!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

**TITLE:** Finding My Way Home

**AUTHOR:** Dreamcatcher

**EMAIL:** peacejaw@yahoo.com

**RATING:** PG

**SPOILERS:** The series itself

**ARCHIVE:** Fanfiction.net Only!

**DISCLAIMER:** ER and its characters are copyright Warner Bros. Entertainment, Amblin Television, and Michael Crichton. No infringement is intended. This original piece of fan fiction is being written for entertainment purposes only, and I am gaining no monetary compensation for it.

This is a work of fiction. All characters and places discussed are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, or actual places and locations, is purely coincidental.

**SUMMARY:** Rachel's adjustment to Mark's death, plus some. –Part 5

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Okay, where the hell am I? I know that I'm not holding Mark anymore. I also know that I'm no longer in the hotel conference room with everyone else. It's completely dark here. Fear and panic are working overtime… it's so bad that I've never had it this bad before. And that is worrisome.

All I know is that it's dark, I'm alone, and I'm lost. That is not a good combination for me. I don't like being alone in the dark for too long.  I know that if I don't get out of here soon, the nightmares will start… and right now I can't deal with my nightmares.

I can hear a voice singing softly in the distance. It's a familiar voice, but I can't identify it. Not yet anyways. I find it troubling that there is a need to go towards that voice, especially when all I want to do is stay here and die.

Oh man! I don't think I can stay here because the nightmares are starting. I know it's the one thing that will drive me over the edge –if I'm not there already. The nightmares are apart of my demons… or are they my actual demons? 

It doesn't matter. They are something that I don't think I'll ever be able to make peace with. So why are they playing all around me? There is complete chaos… and the panic and fear are making them worse… especially as image after image, sound after sound, and emotion after emotion play around me. 

Many of the scenes around me are related to mom's second husband –the jackass of a bastard! They include all of the abuse, the fighting, the beatings, the drinking, the drug abuse, stealing, and whatever else that he could think of. Then there is daddy, his cancer, his attempts to reach me, and his death. Then Elizabeth and Mom enter the picture… as well as the rest of the relationships I've had in the past… as well as all the mistakes I've made, like Ella overdosing. So how on earth did these things get so big that they have become my demons and monsters?

I don't know really, and despite the chaos right now I'm alone… so very alone. I never thought that I could feel so alone in my life! And to make matters worse, I think it's getting darker in here. All my walls that I've built up over the years are falling down… all of my strings are being snapped in half… everything inside of me is breaking down. Not only can I feel it inside of me, but I can see it happening around me… which is adding to the chaos.  The only way I can describe it is that the nightmares are breaking me down… wearing me out completely.

What bothers me the most right now –with the exception of the fear and panic- is that I don't know why this is happening to me. Why is it necessary for me to go through this? Why can't I deal with this in the real world?

The more I fight this, the more things happen around me. All of my buried secrets are playing out… the scenes are getting more graphic… crap like that. Basically the chaos, the trauma, and the pain are all getting worse, which is increasing the fear and panic. Where is my daddy? He's the only one that can chase away the nightmares and the bad men.

What's the point of all of this? I already know that these things are apart of me… and that I need to share them with someone… but I also know that I can't do that while I'm here. Maybe it's to break down everything so that I can … or more to the point… will actually tell someone what's been going on in my life?

Those defenses is what was keeping me going up until now. Why can't I keep them? I need them! I can't just let them go… especially not now… not with mom's death. Yet I can't stop it from happening. It just is.

Shit! I was holding Mark when all of this started. What happened to him? What is happening with me? If I'm here –which I still don't know where that is- then where is everyone else? Is Mark and Ella alright? I hope to God that they are safe. I need them to be safe.  Those are about the only things that were truly bringing me comfort these last few months. I do hope that Elizabeth and Susan are taking good care of them. I have never told them that I love them… and I am finding that I need to. Where is that coming from? I even want to tell Elizabeth how much I appreciate everything that she's done for me the last year and a half, but I cannot find my way home. Will I ever?

I'm so tired right now… and so drained. I don't think I can do anything… and all I want to do is go to sleep forever. My past keeps betraying me –it keeps playing over and over and over. When will it stop? Will it stop? 

Chaos. That's always been my life –especially in the last few years. I guess that's why it's all I can see right now… that and the darkness. I came from within that darkness and I refuse to go back there. That's no way to live. How do I know that? That's exactly how I've been living the last two years… at the very least. I cannot go back there… there is no room for anything there… anything good anyways. What I want the most is love and peace… and I cannot get that living in darkness.

It's only now that I can give all that a name… anger and depression. I've been carrying a heavy load for so long that I'm not sure what it would take for me to be happy. How the hell can I be happy when I cannot have my daddy here to help chase away the monsters of my dreams… or my past? He was my anchor and my life. I knew that I could always be safe with him. He is my hero.

I think I can see a different path now… one that daddy wanted me to take. I can help Ella and Mark chase away their monsters in the dark. I guess that leaves me with one option here… wherever 'here' may be. I have to go **through** the chaos if I want to find any peace from it. God I'm so scared, though.  I've lived this way for so long that I don't know how to live any other way. How can I be sure that I'll make it? How can I put my life back together? What's out there for me?

I guess that's what scaring me the most … that nothing in life is a guarantee. Whatever is waiting on the other side of the chaos has to be better than this. This I know, but I don't know why. God I have enough fears to last anyone for a lifetime.

I know I cannot stay here… there is no point to it. This is no life… and what's surprising me is that I actually want my life back… I want to see Mark and Ella grow up the way daddy isn't able to. I just hope that I will be able to.

That singing is coming through to me again. It's closer than what it was, but it's still a soft singing… it's a lullaby. I don't know which one, though. Why do I know that voice? I want so much to go to that voice because I know that it's a wonderful source of comfort. Why do I know this, though? It's almost as if… no it couldn't be… but it's almost as if it is daddy that is singing… and from the other side of the chaos.

But it couldn't be, could it? Daddy is dead… he's not supposed to be here. Is that why I still feel the need to go through the chaos and face whatever lies ahead? I don't understand this… does this mean that daddy is always looking out for me? Does this mean that there is life after death? God this is so complicated! But yet it's bringing me a source of peace that I didn't know existed within me. 

There is another reason why I need to go through this chaos… the promise that I made to daddy before he died. I know I promised that I would get my life together and to deal with everything that comes along. The only way I can do that is to face my past and then look forward to the future.

And to do that, I must start from the beginning. Although the fear and panic are still gripping me very tightly, I say a prayer for courage and I wish that my daddy were here with me. Then I start my long and trying journey through the chaos, pain, and trauma of my past.

With each step, I watch the world around me and pray a simple prayer that I'll come to know: Thank you for that step, now please help me with the next.  Every few steps I remind myself to breathe… as if my life depended on it.

During the journey, none of the images or scenes are nothing knew to me. The first ones are of my youngest childhood… the ones I can remember when I was apart of a whole family. These are the easiest to deal with… even though some are a disappointment. I know that I must continue to face my past… so I look at what's next. There are still scenes from my childhood, but from when I was a bit older. Moms move to Saint Louis… my parent's divorce… grandpa's death… these leave me in distress. No one in my life, though, can see that… and I was in distress even back then. Despite being painful, they aren't devastating… not like what's about to come up.__

I don't want to go on, but I force myself to anyways. Mom and daddy are both dating other people now… and now comes the horrible part… mom's second husband. Even then he was horrible to me, but mom never noticed. How could she when she was spending so much time working? When she is around, he treats me like an angel… but the moment she's gone… look out. The verbal bullshit he put me through… all the degrading crap… and it worked too. He meant for me to feel ugly about myself and to turn me against my own mother. Then he started lusting after me. The asshole. And mom was a bitch too. How could she not know what was going on under her nose? It took the creep quite awhile before he even attempted to lay his hands on me, but I could always feel his eyes on me. He got away with raping me once… and only once. Two days later I was almost always out of the house… and started my bullshit around Saint Louis… which ultimately brought me to Chicago.

That's pretty much my teenage years so far, with the exception of daddy's cancer… and I find myself facing his cancer… Ella's overdose…me sleeping around with older men… daddy and Elizabeth's separation… daddy's cancer again… Elizabeth moving home… and daddy's final time on earth spent trying to reach me. God I was such a loser for waiting for so long to say goodbye to him… and to let him know that he made a connection with me - more than one connection actually.

As I get closer to the other side of the chaos, I sense that the singing is closer than ever… and I become even more certain that it is daddy who is singing my favorite lullaby. I also sense his presence nearby… urging me forward even when I don't want to go… or can't. I realize now that I can finish this part of the journey, so I do what I must and face the rest of the scenes playing out before me. 

Returning to Saint Louis was a mistake, but mom saw that… thankfully. The struggles of the last several months … the grief… the pain… the excitement… Elizabeth's hormones… all play out. Then the final scene plays out before me… the scene of mom and my stepfather's death. For several moments I am unable to move beyond this point, but daddy urges me to continue… that it will be all right.

Daddy always knew what was best for me… so I continue through the pain. As I pass through it, I realize that I can see daddy sitting in a rocking chair holding out his arms to me. I immediately rush forward and collapse into his waiting arms. I cry myself out before I manage to fall asleep… and I stay that way for the longest time.

As I awaken from sleeping, I realize that daddy is singing my favorite lullaby. Has he been singing it the whole time? I also realize that I feel so safe here… and so at peace. That's when I realize that I don't want to leave. 

He seems to know this and tells me that he will always be with me… and that I can tell him anything that I need to anytime I want to. This brings some comfort to me. He also informs me that I can trust Elizabeth with my past… she won't be judgmental with me… and that yes, she was listening to me when I talked with her during her deep depression.

We talk for quite awhile after that. We talk about everything and anything. He mostly listens to what I have to say… and asks questions when they need to be asked. He even asks about Elizabeth, Ella, and Mark despite already knowing the answers. 

Finally it's time to say goodbye… until we can meet again. He reminds me that this isn't forever… something I was thinking about at that exact moment. He reminds me to keep my promise to him… and I end up making a new promise to him… to take care of Ella and Mark as long as I can. 

I must choose my own path now and I see the one that I know I need to take. It doesn't look like an easy road to follow, but I know I need to follow it anyways. I realize the first step involves me going back home.

I find myself in a hospital room with Elizabeth asleep in a chair next to me. I question myself as to why I'm here, so I call out to Elizabeth –who immediately is at my bedside. She quickly checks me over and calls for a nurse, who comes in with another I.V. bag for fluids.  The nurse tells Elizabeth that she'll call my therapist and let her know that I'm awake… and to expect her at some point today.

Elizabeth nods, and then turns her attention back to me. She explains why I am in the hospital… the fact that I blacked out at the hotel and rushed to the hospital is something else. She also explains that I've been here a week already… and probably will be here for another few days for observation.  Elizabeth goes on to explain the official investigation of mom's death… and the fact that I probably won't have to worry about the social worker and the court stuff. Since mom and Elizabeth already had an agreement worked out, the adoption procedure shouldn't take too long to do. Thank God for small miracles!

She asks if I remember anything about the time I was out of it… and I want to tell her so badly. Before I do, though, I ask about Mark and Ella… and Elizabeth tells me that they are safe and with Susan and are back at home resting. Susan and the rest of the E.R. staff keeps asking about me… so I tell Elizabeth to pass on the message that I'm doing much better. She agrees… but then asks me again about what I remember… and I tell her about everything that I saw happen… and about my past.

As she listens, I can tell that she is actually listening to what I have to say… and cries whenever I cry… and even some when I don't. I feel as though I've gained a new mother… and a wonderful friend… one that will do anything to protect me.  She seems to understand me better now… and understands why I put her and daddy through so much turmoil over the last year or two. I suspect that I've opened a gateway to her past as well… because she's starting to open up with me more… and we are both able to make quite a few connections.

Then my therapist finally arrives and we finally discuss therapy options mainly because it's obvious to the both of us that we need family counseling. She agrees to the fact that I can stay with the counselor I have… and she asks for a recommendation from my counselor for herself. What's surprising about this is that my counselor agreed to take on Elizabeth as well… since there are three children involved in the unusual circumstances.

We are starting to put our family pieces back together… and I know that I've found my way home once more. I know I'm safe once more… but know that there are many more challenges waiting for me back in school and the real world.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

**TITLE:** Healing Memories

**AUTHOR:** Dreamcatcher

**EMAIL:** peacejaw@yahoo.com

**RATING:** PG

**SPOILERS:** The series itself

**ARCHIVE:** Fanfiction.net Only!

**DISCLAIMER:** ER and its characters are copyright Warner Bros. Entertainment, Amblin Television, and Michael Crichton. No infringement is intended. This original piece of fan fiction is being written for entertainment purposes only, and I am gaining no monetary compensation for it.

This is a work of fiction. All characters and places discussed are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, or actual places and locations, is purely coincidental.

**SUMMARY:** How does Rachel move on with her life? -part 6

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It's been three and a half months since my breakdown and things are still a bit rocky for me. Initially things were going fairly smoothly, though.  I spent several days in intensive in-patient therapy so that I work on a lot of the issues that caused me to have the breakdown in the first place. In the weeks to follow, I endured the intensive outpatient therapy so that I could return to school. In the last two weeks, though, I have been able to go back to my normal counseling session and group with the understanding that I must continue to go for quite some time. 

Elizabeth is hanging in there. She is still fighting some depression, but the wonderful thing is that Elizabeth is fighting back. She's returned to work part-time… something that I think is doing the most good for her. If she keeps doing well, she will be able to return to full-time work sometime in June… with the understanding that she also remains in counseling for the time being. 

I do think that having the social worker in our lives has been keeping us on our toes… something I quite frankly think is what was necessary for Elizabeth to start fighting her depression. If things keep going quite well for us, the social worker will start leaving us alone sometime this summer. We have made it through the final stages of the adoption procedures and we are now able to start to move on with our lives as a family. One of the conditions to that, though, was that we will have to summit progress reports from work, school, and our counselor to ensure that things remain on good standing with the courts. 

I'm not entirely sure why the judge would want something like that if is okaying the adoption, but my suspicion is that he wants to ensure the emotional well-being of Elizabeth and our family. To me, that sounds like a good judge to have on our side. At least the judge has allowed me to stay with the only family that I have -Elizabeth, Ella, and Mark. 

Thank God my prayers were answered in relations to me staying where I am. I don't think going into foster care would have helped me at all. Because things are starting to look better, I want to make the most of the circumstances and actually make something of myself.  I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to accomplish that, but in time I know that I will. 

Going through the counseling, though, sure has been an experience. Elizabeth and I go to a family counseling session once a month -something we attend together… and I'll be the first to tell you that I've been learning a great deal about myself as well as Elizabeth. That's something I don't think would have happened at this point had it not been for the counseling sessions. 

One of the remarkable things that I learned is that Elizabeth still has issues surround Ella's OD. I know that I really should not be surprised at this, but quite frankly I thought we had started to move past it. After all she has been entrusting me with Mark and Ella for quite some time now… why would she if she still had issues? I think that Elizabeth wanted me to make a mistake… to fail once again… so that she could actually kick me out of the house. When my mom was killed, though, Elizabeth became terribly conflicted with herself. She wanted to hate me for what I did to her child, yet she was very worried and concerned that I would be removed from her home. Apparently she has started to consider me family despite the issues. Talk about a learning experience. 

I do know, though, that we both still have a lot of unresolved issues with daddy and his death. Who doesn't when someone they love dies? Besides, it hasn't even been a year since daddy's death and so not enough time has passed to even let us think that we can actually start to really be happy again.  The one-year mark, though, is coming up soon and it's a shame that we cannot go back to Hawaii this year. I would have loved to show Elizabeth around the way daddy did with me… and maybe even make some small connections with her as well. Maybe one day we will, but not quite yet. 

Besides, I'd like to reconnect with the guy I was hanging around with last year. We had a lot in common -his family was just as messed up as mine… and we were able to talk about quite a few things. He even made me feel… well… special without having to sleep with him. I'm glad to know that there are real men out there who do respect women.

In the meantime, though, our counselor has been putting Elizabeth and I to work. She's suggested that Elizabeth and I write a memory journal to Mark and Ella about daddy… sharing our memories, experiences, and lessons we have learned along the way. Elizabeth and I get to write separately to Mark and Ella… giving them two different perspectives about daddy. I hope it is worth it.

I do think it's a lot of work, but at least we have a computer so that I can type up my journals. It'll be a different experience, but I've heard that it does wonders. It will be a long term project, though, because I've got a lot of memories and experiences stored up in the ole brain of mine. I suspect that I'll also be putting in the family history that daddy taught me before he died. I know that daddy will be proud that I did.

When I was in the hospital yet, my counselor started me writing in a journal just for myself. She wanted me to have a way to have a daily release from the stress and pain from living from day to day. Talk about a lot of work! Needless to say the notebooks in my room have started to pile up since it's the easiest way for me to take with me wherever I go. Oh wells. I know they have been a big help in my life.

I guess that one of the good things that has come out of my breakdown is that some of the pain and trauma in my life is starting to heal. My counselor thinks that given enough time and given the chance to, they will become old scars… scars that are closed and healed, but remain visible to me so that they serve as a reminder of what I've been able to get through in my life.

I asked her how she knows this… knowing that dealing with the rape and abuse at the hands of my stepfather is going to be very difficult to deal with. She gave me the response of a lifetime: She had been raped and abused by her stepfather for five years before she could stand up for herself. 

God, what in the hell has the world come to? I would have never guessed all that, but after thinking about some of it… it does make some sense. She has been able to understand me right from the beginning… and not everyone is able to do that. Thankfully she is able to! Still, it is a shock to know she has made it through hell and back.

How is she able to be so at peace with herself despite her past? How can she be so put together? How is it possible for her not to be awaken by the nightmares every night? How can she have dealt with the issues and be able to move past them?

I have so many questions for her that we have spent several sessions on them… with many more to go. The counselor, thankfully, knows that I want honest to God answers because she knows that I am looking for a way to deal with the very same issues. I am sensing that I am getting those honest answers… and it's a good thing too because I still have a long list of questions for her.

One of the things that she has said about it is that she has been able to openly talk to others who are able to understand her and her past… people like some friends and certain family members as well as going to a therapy group that was designed to deal with the same issues. When I'm ready to, I will have a choice about going to such a group… but I know that I am not quite ready for that; at least not yet. 

I also know that I would be dead now had it not been for Elizabeth, Suzan, Ella & Mark, John Carter, and my counselor. I don't think that counselors are given enough thank you 's during their careers, so I make it a point to let mine know at least once a month. She seems to take them in stride… that is a good thing.

John Carter called me the other day… something that he does every week. This time, though, he wondered if I would do him a favor. Next month he is setting up a thing at my school where those who have had to face their drug addictions will be able to have a place to go for support and what not. He is wanting me to go for the first several meetings to help set it up and to get it rolling. I'm not exactly too keen on the idea, but Elizabeth is encouraging me to help out… so I am. The first meeting at the school will be on the worst day every -in my opinion at least. It will be on the anniversary of daddy's death. Oh wells, it should give me something to look forward to besides pain and grief.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

**TITLE:** The Worst Day Ever

**AUTHOR:** Dreamcatcher

**EMAIL:** peacejaw@yahoo.com

**RATING:** PG

**SPOILERS:** The series itself

**ARCHIVE:** Fanfiction.net Only!

**DISCLAIMER:** ER and its characters are copyright Warner Bros. Entertainment, Amblin Television, and Michael Crichton. No infringement is intended. This original piece of fan fiction is being written for entertainment purposes only, and I am gaining no monetary compensation for it.

This is a work of fiction. All characters and places discussed are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, or actual places and locations, is purely coincidental.

**SUMMARY:** Rachel's adjustment to Mark's death –Part 7

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Well, today is the day I'm supposed to meet John Carter at my school. Why? Because I promised him that I would attend a meeting with him on school grounds. To be honest, though, I'm not looking forward to it. I'm not entirely sure why, but I do know that it's not related to the meeting itself nor is it related to the anniversary of daddy's death.  Don't get me wrong, both of those events are taking their toll, but they aren't what's causing me to dread the meeting. 

I wish that I could have stayed home today, but I know that I could not. A promise is a promise and I will not back out of a promise. It's a tough thing to follow through, though, when there are days like today when things are going pretty rough.

It's the 4th period and I'm waiting in a conference room with John and my school guidance counselor. We are waiting for nine of my schoolmates to show up… that's all that signed up for this group. Today is more of an informal meeting and was set up so that we could get to know one another. I don't know who is supposed to be here because I haven't seen the sign up list. I do, however, hope that Paulie isn't one of the group members… he was my drug dealer and my boyfriend. When I started to turn my life around, he couldn't handle it and has been harassing me ever since. I really don't want to have to face him today.

I have been curious, though, as to who was going to show up today… and I've also wondered if any of the gang I used to hang around with would be here. I really don't care who is here… except of course Paulie. I do hope that the old gang will not be here because I do think that it's a bad idea for me to start hanging around with them again. There is just too much temptation to hang around with them and I know that my family cannot survive another episode that happened during the last several months of daddy's life.

Daddy… I still cannot believe that he's gone. I think of him constantly… even now as the other students are filing into the room. So far I recognize no one… and I realize why John and I are here. It's because of daddy… he's been an inspiration to the both of us and we want to help others the way he helped us.

The meeting finally gets underway and I find that those of us here have a lot in common: many of us have come from messed up families. A lot of us also resent our families and have a lot of anger towards our parents… who, for whatever reason, have left the picture. We are able to share our experiences with drug use fairly easily and I learn more in this one session than I ever thought was possible.

Just as the meeting was about to break up, the unbelievable happens… Shouts were heard from the hallway and a loud commotion was heard outside our door. Before any of us could respond, gunshots ring out in the conference room… and I know immediately that several of us were hit in various locations. As we took cover, though, I could tell that John was bleeding from a shoulder wound, the guidance counselor appeared to be dead, and that I had an enormous amount of pain in my stomach.

At that point in time, I knew enough to know that I had a very serious wound in my stomach. I also knew that the entire situation was a dire situation… one I wasn't sure that any of us would walk away alive from. Things quickly went from bad to worse when the person doing the shooting walked into the conference room at that exact moment. Time almost froze for me as I realize that I know the shooter… it was Paulie. What the hell was he doing here with a gun?

He looks at me directly and I instinctively know that things are going to get a lot worse before they get better. The commotion outside the room grows very chaotic as students and facility flee the school while things inside the room grow very still and is filled with fear.

Paulie commands us to come out from our hiding spots and line up against a certain wall… and slowly we converged on the wall one way or another. As it turns out, the guidance counselor was indeed dead and was allowed to remain in a pool of blood in a nearby corner. At that point I wondered who else was going to end up dead and dread set in like never before.

I encourage Paulie to allow John to check the rest of us over to see how bad things were and after a few silent moments, he agreed. I was the last one to be checked over and I could tell that John was concerned with me the most. I let him know that I will be okay, but I could tell that he didn't believe me.

Before we could discuss it further, though, Paulie instructed John to block the entrance to the conference room with the table so that no one would be able to gain entry. John does what he is told, but rather slowly. Paulie almost loses his patience with John, but in the end just ends up cursing John out. In return, John inquires as to why he was doing this… and of course Paulie was evasive about it… saying that we'll found out when the time is right.

One thing is very clear, though, and that is we are at Paulie's mercy. To make that point very clear, Paulie shoots and kills the girl setting next to me –the one who would not stop crying or whining. To be honest, I think he killed her for no reason at all. If this keeps up, I **know** that we are not going to get out of this alive. What a shame, too! We all are way too young to die!

Unfortunately I can see that familiar darkness and it's trying to work its way to me, but I do keep fighting it off. If I don't, I know that it will quickly over take my life once more and I cannot let that happen again. I've worked far too hard to come this far to let this happen again… and I know I still have a long way to go.

I know that I have to stay focused and in the present. My counselor and I have worked so hard to keep me in tune with my body and deal with my problems head on. I cannot believe this is happening again! I need to breath… and stay awake!

Paulie is moving around the room as if he's nervous… why shouldn't he be? After all he's breaking the law. Some time passes before Paulie places his first call… and it's apparent to everyone that it's to the police. They now know that we are here and what exactly is going on… as do the rest of us. 

It doesn't dawn on me until a few minutes later that he is doing this for revenge… revenge because I broke it off with him last year and then would not hook back up with him again. Shit! I sure in the hell don't need the added guilt and weight on my shoulders. What good is it going to do me to have the deaths of these people on my conscience? I already have enough going on in my life and I don't need this crap! So what the hell can I do about it?

Nothing at the moment… I'm already so weak and tired that there isn't a whole that I'll be able to do myself. Maybe if I can brainstorm with John he'll be able to do something. Then again, if he isn't already doing something, maybe we are truly in trouble.

Who knows… but I don't know how much longer I can hold on. My stomach is really hurting right now and I can tell I've lost a lot of blood already… is it more serious than what I had originally thought? Despite that, though, I try to focus my attention to what Paulie is doing.

He's off the phone now and is giving me a sly smile. I don't like it when he does that. It lets me know that he is about to pull another trick out of his sleeve… and with Paulie it almost always evil… so it's no surprise when he tells me that if I die from my injury, he will kill everyone else in the room. It's just another cruel way to make me pay one-way or another.

John is next to me again and is checking me over. I almost wish he would just let me be, but I know that he is trying to keep me awake and aware of what's going on. He knows how easily I could lose consciousness. It's still nice to have an adult present who knows me and is a doctor.

How long is this going to last? God I hope not for a long… mainly because I know that I cannot hold on much longer. I can see the worry in John's face and it sends a sense of peace through me. Knowing that someone who cares is with me right now really does help… though I probably won't admit that to him.

Paulie is face to face with me challenging me to push him away. Instead I ask him what he expects to accomplish with all this. I get the answer of a lifetime: to make me suffer before he kills me. Then he'll take the easiest way out of the mess and kill himself. He goes on to explain that he has shot up several classrooms already before he found me here, which saddens me because these people do not deserve this. Then it dawns on me: none of us were going to walk away from this mess… the ugly asshole is going to kill every one of us.

Paulie is still in my face when I finally pass out from the pain and blood loss. Almost immediately I find myself in a darkened area and realize that I'm not alone. I instinctively call out for daddy and I immediately hear his soft singing. A moment later I'm able to see him and I immediately run into his arms and start crying. I manage to cry myself to sleep and slept for the longest time.

Unfortunately something woke me up from a deep sleep and it took me several moments before I realize what it was: I was sensing danger and sadness all around me. Thankfully daddy was still with me and I ask him about what was going on. He tells me that I must wake myself up physically to find out.

As much as I don't want to, I do just that… but it was because of daddy's encouragement that I did so. When I do awaken, John is hunched over me. I know instinctively that he was there to see how I was doing, but also aware that he was looking elsewhere. I then learn that John is looking directly at Paulie and questioning him as to why he insisted that he kill two of the other students.

I try to move around to see who had been shot, but pain immediately shoots through my body and I end up moaning aloud. John puts all his attention on my and asks how I'm feeling. I answer honestly… that I'm very tired and am in pain.  Then I ask him how long I had been out and who had been killed.

I had been out almost two solid hours and two of my closest friends here had been killed. Shit! The longer I'm out, the more Paulie takes it out on the others. Paulie has apparently also beaten on John because he has some fresh bruises forming on his face. That's when I realize that not only are we going to die here, we are going to have a violent death.

That sends a deep chill through my body. When Paulie finally gets to me, what the hell is he going to do to me? Or is watching my entire new friends die going to be enough for him? He's destroyed my life once already and he's working on doing it again. As much as I don't want to, I know that I must face the situation head on… so I do my best to make peace with God and my past.

I also think of Mark, Ella, and Elizabeth… and wonder if Elizabeth knows what's going on. Almost undoubtedly she does because she is working today and quite a few of the shooting victims would go to County General. The question is… will she be working or will she try to come to the school?

It's all I can do to hope that Elizabeth stays at work knowing that work would help her nerves right now. Then again… with Elizabeth I really don't know what she'll do. I do wonder how she is going to deal with my death if I were to actually die here. Will Mark and Ella grow up with me? God I hope not!

As the next hour goes by, I find myself growing even more tired and even weaker… and I know that I'm about to pass out again. I say a short prayer of strength as I finally pass out. Almost immediately I find myself in daddy's arms and know that I can rest once more. As I fall asleep again, I realize that bits and pieces are coming through to me from the conference room and know that my consciousness is fighting to be in two places at once.

I choose to remain where I am, though, and take in whatever is supposed to come next. I hear a lot of muffled noise… then quite a few screams… actual physical pain… and then I sense that John is nearby trying to protect me from something. Then I realize that he is pulled away from me. I don't know what happened next because all I hear is silence. Fear tries to take over me, but I fight it down knowing that I will not do any good for it to surface.

What I cannot stop, though, are my tears. They are flowing down my cheeks freely now and daddy tries to sooth me. The trouble is… it's not working –at least not at first. Slowly daddy's lullaby makes it through to me and I'm able to calm down some. I ask daddy why I'm able to sense what's going on around me now when I wasn't able to before?

His answer surprises me… I'm able to tune into my body more… and because of that I know what's going on. Daddy let's me know that he loves me and always will, but that I must go back to my body and fight for what's mine. I guess daddy knows that I'm ready for this because he sends me back to where I'm supposed to be.

When I awake, I realize that all the other students in the room are dead. I also sense that John is in real danger. I look to see what was happening and find that Paulie is standing over John watching him suffer after a rather nasty beating. 

I moan… and that's when Paulie comes after me. He starts to beat me… but is interrupted by movement behind him.  I don't know what happens after that because at that very moment, I pass out.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I awake once more and find that I'm no longer in the conference room. I look around to see where I'm at and find that I'm in a hospital room… my own private room. A **lot** of time must have passed by be this time because I have no clue as to how I arrived at the hospital.

Elizabeth comes into the room at that point and smiles… she's noticed that I'm awake. I ask her what has happened to John… and how I ended up here. She explains that John is okay… just like I am… and that the police had barged into the room in time to stop Paulie from killing me. That's when I also learn that John was forced to watch what had transpired after Paulie came after me. He's not going to have an easy time of this… especially since he also had to watch Lucy Night suffer as well. I ask where John was… and Elizabeth said that he is at home resting.

It becomes apparent that I've been in the hospital for a while… so I inquire as to how long. I find out it's been two weeks since the shooting… and I have had to go through several surgeries and made it through a coma. I also find out that I will have to go through some physical therapy to gain back the strength of my legs, but that I am going to pull through this just fine.

Then I learn the true horror of what happened that fateful day: 20 students died and 50 plus kids were seriously injured. 5 staffers also died that day. Talk about loss of life! And it was all because of me! Shit!

I knew at that point that I was going to have a lot of counseling time to go through before I would be ready to go back to school… if I was ever at that point. Still, I knew that my daddy was with me… and was able to help guide me through some tough times. 

At one point I learn that Ella and Mark are okay, but Ella keeps asking for me. In time, I allow Mark and Ella to visit… and knew that I would be okay. It would take some time, but I would be okay!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

TBC


	8. Chapter 8

**TITLE:** Moving On

**AUTHOR:** Dreamcatcher

**EMAIL:** peacejaw@yahoo.com

**RATING:** PG

**SPOILERS:** The series itself

**ARCHIVE:** Fanfiction.net Only!

**DISCLAIMER:** ER and its characters are copyright Warner Bros. Entertainment, Amblin Television, and Michael Crichton. No infringement is intended. This original piece of fan fiction is being written for entertainment purposes only, and I am gaining no monetary compensation for it.

This is a work of fiction. All characters and places discussed are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, or actual places and locations, is purely coincidental.

**SUMMARY:** Rachel's adjustment to Mark's death –Part 8

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It's been ten years since that fateful day and so much has changed in my life… in all of our lives. I managed to accomplish so much in so little time and I'm not sure how I managed to do that. Physical therapy, counseling, graduation, college, and even medical school are all apart of my life since the shooting. There's other stuff, of course, but not much.

Physical therapy wasn't all that bad and didn't amount to a whole lot. Most of it was so that I could regain a lot of the strength to my lower body that I had lost during the shooting. I still have a few problems with my lower back, but all it is is the fact that when we are about to get a major weather system that wants to move through my lower back complains. I don't mind –usually- because it lets me know that I'm still alive.

My counselor encouraged me to return to school –the very one where the shooting occurred- so that I would be able to graduate with my class. I didn't want to… and even fought with the counselor and Elizabeth about going back… but in the end I did go back to the school. It was a difficult thing for me to do _–why wouldn't it be?-_ but going to counseling everyday after school the first semester got me through the initial crap of returning to that school. As time went on, I was able to cut back to three times a week, then two times a week, then once a week.  What amazed me is the fact that I got decent grades all through high school despite all the trauma I went through. I guess that's partly due to the fact that I had absolutely no social life in high school and wasn't going to just sit around and do nothing. 

I graduated in the top five percent of my class and went on to college. I knew right from the beginning what I wanted to do with my career… I wanted to be an ER doctor like my father. Because I spent quite a bit of time studying and I was very determined about it, I managed to move very quickly through college and medical school… and started my career in Cook County General's ER. 

Unfortunately, two years ago Elizabeth was killed in a car accident on the way home from work … which left me in charge of raising Ella and Mark. Don't get me wrong, I love being there for the two of them, but I never pictured myself being a single parent to them. In fact, I never pictured myself being a parent in the first place… so settling into the single parent role hasn't been easy. I also know that it hasn't been easy for Mark or Ella.

In fact it's gotten to a point where drastic changes were needed in our lives in order for us to survive. I transferred to a hospital in Hawaii and moved us all to Maui, Hawaii. It's the one place that I knew that held any chance of any of us healing our souls and being able to open ourselves up once again. It hasn't exactly been an easy transition for any of us, but things here seem to be going somewhat better than what they were in Chicago. 

Since moving here, I've put Mark and Ella into counseling. Mark had some major anger issues to work through –he still does, but it's nothing like it was when we first arrived. Ella had become very withdrawn and I was worried that I was going to lose her forever.  She's now moved into the anger stage of things… so I guess it's a step up from where we were. Still, I know she has a long ways to go.

As for myself, I still remain in counseling… but it's gotten to a point where I'm able to go once a month and be fine otherwise.  To this day I carry around a lot of issues from my past, but they don't weigh me down like they once did. In fact, I'm able to express myself in my writings –which seems to please my counselor. I'm able to hope and make plans for the future –including setting goals for a long term setting… like eventually buying out the property that daddy had rented shortly before his death and doing something special with it. That will have to wait until after Mark and Ella are done with school, though.  

I still think of daddy often, but Ella and Mark don't ask as many questions as they once did. They truly seem satisfied with the memory journals that Elizabeth and I set up for them… something that I'm grateful of. One day, though, I hope that I'll marry and maybe have a father figure in their lives. It certainly is possible, especially since Ky is here. He's the guy I met up with when daddy first brought me to Hawaii… and he isn't married. We've been dating the last two months and it's been wonderful. I don't want to rush into anything, though, and he knows that. Mark and Ella haven taken to Ky –something I'm very grateful of.

I guess this means that we are moving on with our lives… something I never thought we'd be able to do. Birthdays and holidays are always sort of rough for us, but I do try to celebrate life with Mark, Ella, and Ky knowing that it is something that daddy, mom, and Elizabeth would want for us. In fact, I would hope that they would be proud of the accomplishments that we have been able to achieve so far.  After all, who knows what life will hold for any of us?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

TBC


	9. Chapter 9

**TITLE:** The Color of Courage

**AUTHOR:** Dreamcatcher

**EMAIL:** peacejaw@yahoo.com

**RATING:** PG

**SPOILERS:** The series itself

**ARCHIVE:** Fanfiction.net Only!

**DISCLAIMER:** ER and its characters are copyright Warner Bros. Entertainment, Amblin Television, and Michael Crichton. No infringement is intended. This original piece of fan fiction is being written for entertainment purposes only, and I am gaining no monetary compensation for it.

This is a work of fiction. All characters and places discussed are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, or actual places and locations, is purely coincidental.

**SUMMARY:** Rachel's adjustment to Mark's death –Part 9

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I'm forty-five and I'm dying. Just what I needed to deal with! It's just one more thing that I have to face in my troubled life. What's next, hell?

Shortly after giving birth to my daughter eight years ago, I was diagnosed with a rare form of Leukemia. Ever since then, I've been fighting the disease with everything that I've got. Last month, though, it was determined that all efforts to save my life were no longer effective… that it was time to put my affairs in order.

I'll be the first one to tell you that it's not a great thing to know that your actually dying… let alone knowing how you are actually going to die. It's also not a pleasant thing to know that your family and friends have to watch you die. Now I know how daddy felt when he was dying. Knowing that, it's truly amazing that daddy took the time to reach me… to really reach me. I'm actually grateful that he did –especially knowing that I wouldn't have survived my teen years had he not intervened. 

Even after all this time, daddy has given me the courage to face what's happening and to prepare my family for what's to come. Nothing about this disease has been easy, but trying to prepare my children for the inevitable has been one of the hardest things that I've had to do. For daddy, it must have been pure hell to know that he was dying and I was in that destructive rut that I was in.

I also know that I have a wonderful family to help me through the time I have left. Ky, my husband, has been a big help with the children. It's still a miracle in itself, but they have been a blessing in my life. I have three of my own children now. Kyle Maurice, Zachary Allen, and Laura Elizabeth have grown accustomed to the disease and know enough of the world that I'm in the process of dying. Thankfully Mark and Ella will help out with the children. 

I'm so proud of my family –especially Mark and Ella. They have made something of their lives despite their troubled past. Mark is apart of the Navel Seal Team while Ella has become a surgeon like her mother. Both live on the mainland of the States –Ella being in Chicago while Mark's home base is in the D.C. area.

I also know that daddy and Elizabeth would be proud of Mark and Ella… especially with all the accomplishments the two have done. They really have learned from their pasts and moved on with their lives. Knowing that there is something after our death has helped us grow into a close-knit family.

One tradition that I'm following is writing letters to my family –which is to be given to them on special occasions. Daddy did that with Ella and I… and it's something that we have greatly cherished over the years.

Anyways it's only been a month since it was determined that I'm actually dying and I've already been admitted to the local hospice program. Over the years, Ky and I bought the property that daddy died on and turned it into a retreat where people with a terminal illness can go to and die with dignity. It's set up with the local hospice program and is a place that allows the patients and their families to go to … and maybe find some peace. I still find that it's wonderful tribute to daddy… as this is the place where he wanted to die. Now it's my turn to die here.

There isn't that much time left for me and I let it be known that I want to be buried in Chicago near my father. Ky seems to understand this, thankfully. I also let Ky know that when the time is right, I want him to move on with his life. It will be a difficult process for him to do, but I know that it's the right thing to do.

Death is knocking at my door. I can feel it in my bones. I also know this because I've been sleeping a great deal lately. Being a doctor, I know that my body is shutting down. It's not a pleasant feeling, but I don't try to hold on to the physical world anymore.  There is no point in doing so. I love my family, but I'm at a point where I've accepted that it's time to go.

Since I've already said my goodbyes, I know when I let my body go. That's when I find myself in my daddy's arms for the last time… and he escorts me to Heaven. I know that I'm safe once again. Fate, it seems, found an angel in my father.

Despite that, though, life goes on.

And I've moved on to a better place.

Know that I'm finally at peace and that I'm at home now. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The End!

August, 2002 –Updated September, 2002


End file.
